The Most Ridiculous Thing I Did To My Ex

Here are some of the ridiculous things I did to exes (some unwittingly):

  • Baked a birthday cake, just to discover later than one of my French bulldogs lightly pissed on the bag containing said cake. I didn’t notice until I gave it to her.
  • Tickled her upper lip with a peacock feather. It vexed the shit out of her.
  • Made her miss most of Sungod because I had to fix my car.
  • Hid under thick sheets for 20 minutes and rose up to terrorize her. I’ve never scared someone so good in my life.

But there was one ridiculous thing I made an ex do that I definitely don’t regret.

I made her write me a letter. (Welcome to The Breakup Series.)

Flashback to summer 2013. I was in the middle of a shitty breakup. It was a relationship that I just kept trying to fix. I obsessed over how to text her back, thinking that every carefully planned out word might change her mind. Yeah…it was one of those breakups.

I remember the NBA Finals were on, and we weren’t officially separated yet. So I made a bet with her. If the Heat wins, which of course they did, then she would have to write me 2 letters.

The first letter I requested is a formal breakup letter. I wanted the true reasons for the breakup, because she never gave me one. It was the “please-tell-me-what-fucking-happened-so-I-can-carry-on” letter. I wanted some goddamn closure.

The second letter I requested is for her to write from my point of view how the relationship progressed and declined. I always felt misunderstood by her, and was wondering what she would come up with.

Trying to get the letters from her was like trying to run underwater. But I persisted. A bet is a bet. I deserve this.

Alas, the first letter came. Reading it hurt a lot but it also lifted a huge weight off my mind. I now know the real reason. In fact, it was the reason I knew yet denied through the course of our relationship. I got my closure and was more or less able to move on.

I never got the second letter.

This is my third attempt at writing this note.  I cannot write the other letter for you.  It is mentally impossible for me.

Oh well.

So that’s the most ridiculous thing I did to an ex, and I don’t regret it.

I’d love to hear your stories. Slashed tires? Draw on their sleeping faces?

4 thoughts on “The Most Ridiculous Thing I Did To My Ex”

  1. My ex of seven years cheated on me. As much as I wanted to ruin his new happy relationship, I just left ‘us’ in the past. That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve done to my ex, and yet, it’s been the most enlightening. I don’t regret our relationship because it was an experience that taught me more about myself than I could have ever imagined.

    1. It takes a lot of courage to NOT do anything, to not be tempted to ruin his new relationship, to move on. And 7 years? Props. If you feel inclined do share what were the big things you learned about yourself through that experience.

  2. I guess that’s just it. She was not able to and, more importantly, was not willing to see the relationship from your point of view.

    P.S. For those of you that don’t know, Sungod is THE biggest concert/party at UC San Diego. Missing Sungod is like missing the birth of your child. Almost.

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