spiritually bypass finances money problems

How to spiritually bypass your finances in 2024

Namaste, financially woke friends! Ready to ascend to a higher plane of existence where budgeting is bourgeois and spreadsheets are SO last season?

Buckle up, because here are 10 ways to spiritually bypass your finances while looking enlightened.

Note: this is satire.

1. Make every shopping trip a “self-care” ritual. Because you deserve it and retail therapy is good for the soul (and the economy).

2. Blame your lack of savings on “negative energy blocks.” Time for a $200 energy healing session to balance those financial chakras.

3. FOMO into every wellness trend: From goat yoga retreats to silent discos under the full moon, every experience is an “investment in your energy” ✨. Forget actually investing.

4. Rail against the capitalist hellscape while simultaneously fueling it with overconsumption disguised as “abundance” and “self-care.” #wokeandbroke

5. Empower Tinder dates to “be in their masculine” (meaning they pay for everything), because offering to share the cost will put you out of your feminine. And we can’t have that, right Boss Babes? #ProviderMentality

6. Join an MLM with ✨ unlimited income potential ✨ ignoring that hours poured into hawking questionable products could be better spent on a normal job OR starting your own business. Trade in your 9 to 5 for a 24/7, because #PassionNeverSleeps.

7. Tell clients “you can’t get what you chase,” then brag in your marketing about you’ve helping clients manifest $10K/months. Gaslighting is still light work, right?

8. Attend another spiritual retreat or workshop, even if it empties your wallet. There’s no price on ascending into higher levels of consciousness (and debt).

9. Manifest your wealth. Don’t worry about how hard you should work. Visualize yourself lounging by the pool, sipping piña coladas while money magically lands in your bank account. If that doesn’t work, it means you haven’t manifested hard enough.

10. Fantasize about leaving America. Instead, go and gentrify another country with a solid currency exchange rate. #EthicalWanderlust

Bonus tip #11: Ignore practical financial advice because that’s just regular 3D thinking. You’ve already left the Matrix and only fuck with 5D and up thinking.

I asked AI for help with this one, and the prompt included: “Make it sting, but funny.” So if you’re offended know that 1) It’s AI’s fault 2) This is satire and 3) I’m spiritually bypassing your anger.

But in all good honesty, if you feel called out by any of this…it’s time for some financial stoicism.

Remember that getting wealthy is supposed to be hard and that hiring a money coach may be the best investment you make.

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